It’s Monday night and you know what that means…The Bachelorette! This time, I’m posting RIGHT AFTER the show aired. I’m tired yet caffeinated because I switched out my wine with coffee (big mistake). Let’s see how this goes. I’m gonna keep writing these recaps until someone complains…….
Let’s do this.
Before I get into these group dates, can I just take a moment? Are these clueless men forced to decipher the date card to determine attire? Like how do they know to dress casual?! Or athletic? Or formal? Or do the producers tell them to wear this? I just need to know.
“It’s more of personality and you have to show up. Show UP.” -Hannah B.
First group date: pageants, drag queens, and sharing more than feelings.
I’m here for this drag date. Pageant queen, drag queens, and men embarrassing themselves. LOVE IT.
- Mike — I think when he took off his speedo, my jaw dropped. Just…sexy.
- Jonathan — why he wearing stripes lol. It’s cute, but like…a little weird. He’s quirky. I like him.
- John Paul Jones — I can’t I just can’t but like he just showed his personality hahaha
- UNICYCLE MAN HEHEHE // he wins my heart. John Paul Jones, you win my heart, John Paul Jones.
- Jed — ohmyGod, yes, the cowboy boots I love I love.
- “Save a horse ride a cowboy.” I’m a fan.
- When he brought out that guitar…my heart melted.
- He’s not going to make it all the way, but he definitely will steal her heart. He’s a HEARTBREAKER.
- Luke P. — my God his abs have ABS.
- “He has the body of a Greek god” same, John Paul Jones, same.
- But like…Luke P. looks like a meathead.
- He’s just trying to get the attention. He’s literally auditioning to be the next Bachelor. DON’T BELIEVE HIM, HANNAH. They’re not going to end up together. He gives me bad vibes. He gives me frat guy who texts multiple girls at once.
- The drag queen is like “omg Hannah omg Hannah!!!!” squealing is ME though.
- Dylan — a hot bod, seems sweet.
- Grant — cute, but not memorable.
- The WINNER: he totally won because he gave that “touching speech.” She passed up JED?! A LITERAL SINGER/SONGWRITER?! Okay, remember Josiah who won that trophy? Sent his butt home after he got cocky.
- Luke S. — love him. Done.
Cocktail party of first group date:
- Why is Luke P. wearing a sash and crown? Are you a beauty queen?
- Can I just marry Mike now please? Jed may be a singer/songwriter, but I feel like Mike would treat Hannah like a QUEEN.
- Mike drinking a wine is a MOOD. All of the memes of Mike just judging everyone are about to come through. Catch my Twitter because I’ll retweet them ALL.
- “Do you really fall in love with someone after knowing them for 10 min?” WHO SAID THAT. I NEED TO KNOW WHO SAID THAT. THEY JUST CONQUERED THIS WHOLE SHOW. It’s like…the man version of what Queen Elsa said.
- Bruh, even Hannah is questioning the quickness. And she isn’t saying the same thing back. She’s hesitant. Like…
- How can you have feelings for someone before you met them? I said it before and will say it again: you can’t be in love with someone you just met. Hannah’s probably like…
- But I have to admit, Hannah and Luke P. have chemistry. Ugh.
- Hannah to Luke P: “you’re bold.” No, he’s just auditioning for Paradise. Or, setting himself for heartbreak so he can be the next Bachelor. The plan. The plan!!!!
- Mike comin’ out with “you a dog” is everything I want in a man. The HONESTY. He’s being real. If he’s not the next Bachelor, or on Paradise, he better have a podcast.
- GIVE JED A ROSE. GIVE JED A ROSE. GIVE JED A ROSE. He’s got Southern charm but not Southern. That’s what I love about him. He has a calming sense, just like Hannah said.
First one-on-one date: Tyler G.
“Feels like a Tim Tebow, but hotter.” HAHA if Tim Tebow doesn’t quote that and respond, he’s missing out on good PR. Tyler G. seems really sweet, a little too sweet for this show. He makes my heart melt. And he’s a stud. They look good on paper. I do love this date, it’s super cute. Even though she wore all white, she likes to ride four wheelers.
Tyler’s jawline can cut……………steak. Gotta be clean, folks!! Honestly, love them both, but I don’t think they have the best chemistry. I think he’ll make it through, but not to hometowns. He’ll definitely be on Paradise. He looks like if Jared and Alex combined their genes in a lab and then mixed them with Captain America.
Doesn’t Cam realize by now that the people that don’t have dates are the ones that she has full confidence in?? CALM, CAM. Connor, too. It’s like…they’re in the top two! You’re ruining your chances by worrying and getting in your head.
Oh no, Cam honey. You started SO WELL but you’re going downhill so fast rn.
Cam out. Peter in. Mike in. Tyler C…not in.
Second group date:
- This is like the second-string JV team of guys. Like who are these guys. EXCEPT PETER. PROTECT PETER.
- Devin. IDK.
- Peter — Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter omg omg omg omg omg omg.
- He makes my heart melt // he’s a hopeless romantic, and he wants to start this amazing life. His smile is so innocent he just makes me want to cry. He could definitely get the group date rose.
- “That girl is awesome.” I love him. He said it with such a genuine smile. He’s so innocent, I need the producers to not make him be a jerk. I don’t think he has a mean-spirited bone in his body.
- Connor J. — the smart one who figured out to screw up and fall and get Hannah’s attention. SMART, sweaty man.
- Connor J. is getting the rose. I’m calling it now.
- WOOPS. Lol.
- Dustin — why do I not like him. He’ll end up in Paradise but like…he doesn’t have chemistry with Hannah and not because he’s black! They just don’t have chemistry.
- They don’t have chemistry. They don’t have chemistry. He’s not bold? I feel like when he walks inside a room he’s just a burst of energy. S’cute. I like him. I do, just don’t like him with Hannah. OMG THEY KISSED. Like what? Dustin took her face like they took and omg it’s Peter sorry I lost my thought because I saw Peter’s face!!!!
- OK, interrupt this recap…Dustin got the group date rose. Not surprised, I mean…Cam interrupted and ruined the rest of the night. Who else did she have to give it to?
- Joey — the one from Maryland! That’s all I know about him.
- Garrett — I love him. But he’s not making a good enough impression in front of the cameras. SHOW MORE GARRETT. Like I totally forgot about him with showrunners like Luke P., Jed, Cam, and Mike.
- Please don’t ruin your chances, Garrett. Don’t psych yourself out. Don’t be good on paper and turn out to be a bore or a jerk.
- I’m all for Chris and Willard commenting on these competitions. Like can they please have their own show?!
- This date is a HOT mess. Can we just move along? I know NONE of these guys.
- Cam showing up is the most exciting thing to happen on this date and the producers DROVE him there. They are HERE for this drama. Cam — stop calling yourself “Always Be Cam.” She could send his butt home. That could happen, considering how she handled the Scott Fiasco.
- Why do all these guys keep coming up to him? Haha just let him leave. Tell him to leave.
- Garrett was so respectful and mature telling him to leave. Alabama men are SO respectful.
- Who is wearing shorts HAHAHA?!
- The guy wearing shorts (Kevin?) is just starting stuff.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Is she on her period because she is emotional? I really thought she was going to kick someone out, but she didn’t. She’s just emotional.
Oh my God. Connor S. to the rescue!!! He didn’t get chosen for a date, but he didn’t show up on a group date like Cam did. I love Connor S., he is sweet. He better not turn out to be a jerk.
Cam is being SO weird. This chicken nugget picnic is WEIRD. Kevin Is like…what the heck? Side note: he said that RIGHT as I was typing that.
The guy in the pink tie drinking white wine is my soulmate. I think that’s Joey? Or Kevin? Or Devin? Honestly, I forgot. OK, I think I know who Kevin is now. Kevin’s in shorts and Kevin looks like he wants to throw Cam down a flight of stairs.
Why did Cam end up like this?! AHHH. Luke P. and Cam started out so strong and then just went downhill. Just like every guy in those dating app photos who SEEM attractive, but end up crazy. Looks aren’t everything….
Tyler C. looks like the frat guy who leaves you on read. CALLED IT. He’s crazy. Cam got me with trust issues. Luke P. got me with trust issues. I’m calling it right now: Tyler C. is the new Kamil!!!
My heart is breaking for Jed. Is he going to get sent home? But like Jed is going to laugh about it. And like I think that’s the perfect guy for Hannah. They laugh together but they definitely have chemistry together. Like he was able to “forgive” Hannah for dating other guys because that is the whole point of this show! It’s crazy, and most people would call it insane, but really…it’s the world of dating. Dating is insane.
The guys who make it, my final thoughts, and best tweets of the night:
- Tyler G.
- Tyler C. — looks like the guy that tells her she’s a slut and she claps back at him.
- Garrett — the Southern Alabama boy that would go perfect with Hannah G.
- Connor S. — would probably go well with Demi!
- Luke P. — I think I’ve said enough about him.
- Dylan — the guy in the pink tie holding white wine in a stem glass…a big mood.
- Luke S. — AW love him.
- Mike — YAS YAS YAS. A real man.
- Peter — LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM.
- Kevin — KEVINNNNNNN.
- John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones.
- AND…..Chris walks in.
And with that, done with week two! Hopefully, I have enough sanity to return to week three. But doing it for my home girl Hannah B! Let’s do this.